God’s Purpose in Pain
“Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me: For I am afflicted and needy” (NASB, Psalm 86:1)
My Journey of Chronic Pain Begins (by Anna Elzinga)
My journey into the world of chronic pain began in the summer of 2007. I remember it well. I was serving at our Kids Town Camp when I was gripped with a pain so severe, I ended up in the ER. After hours on a morphine drip and many diagnostic tests, I was sent home with the diagnosis of idiopathic hydronephrosis or swelling and spasms of the kidney without known cause.
I had this severe spastic, throbbing, nauseating pain off and on for 12 years. In the beginning, I had some months free of this pain but ended up in the ER frequently with flare-ups. Gradually my episodes begin to increase, to whereby the summer of 2017, I was gripped with almost constant spasms and level 10 pain. I was home flat in bed for days begging for pain meds and relief. (This was from a mom who had birthed 5 kids at home with no pain meds.) I had never experienced such excruciating on-going pain. I began wearing a TENS unit strapped to me, just to bear the pain and distract me from its severity. I felt alone, exhausted, and desperate.
During this time, I sought the advice of different doctors, changed my diet, began taking supplements, vitamin treatments, etc., as I tried madly to get to the root of the pain. Of course, my family and I were praying for answers. We asked God to keep me strong and to keep me from depression as I was being stretched (literally) and began to really wear down fast both physically and emotionally.
That same summer, after a long and traumatic ER visit where the doctor simply thought I was “drug seeking” and refused to give me my usual dose of pain meds to get me through the episode, I became very desperate and enraged that they could think I was making this pain up. My husband, too, was seeking God for answers because seeing me suffer and not being able to help was very hard on him.
Lots of prayers had gone out, but I had not yet asked the Elders of my church to pray over me. The very next Sunday they anointed me with oil (James 5:13-15) and laid on hands as they petitioned God to heal me. As I cried, emotionally weak, and with no strength, I accepted the loving compassion and prayers of my pastors and elders.
That very week an appointment became available to see a top-notch team of urologists and kidney specialists. They ordered tests and suggested surgery. The following week I had the surgery. After 3 days in the hospital and 6 weeks recovery time, I had my answer. I was healed of the severe ureter blockage that had been causing my pain and causing toxicity to my body. I rejoiced and praised God that I had an answer, but that was not quite the end of the story.
God had different plans. The first couple of months after my surgery the worst of the pain was over, but I began to feel chronically tired, achy, plagued with headaches and all over body pain. I had been looking forward to returning back into ministry full speed ahead, but I could see that wasn’t happening. I’d go home after work in the afternoons and crash until dinner and fall into bed soon after. I would wake up so tired and with aches so bad it hurt to get up. I praised God that some days were better than others.
I began another quest for doctors. Looking into alternative health care, more diet change, adrenal fatigue healing, and more. They all told me it could be hormones, menopause, chemical sensitivities, body trauma from surgery and years of pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, and more. Finally, the diagnosis of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue was given to me. I reeled. This was not what I wanted to hear.
My Deepening Spiritual Walk
This is where my pain journey became more of a spiritual journey for me. I began to study the theology of God, suffering, and pain. I had done that 15 years before when my 18-year-old son died suddenly. God had been so faithful to heal me then and carried me through years of emotional pain and grief.
Now my pain was truly physical and tremendously personal−a different kind of pain and loss. I soon realized again that I had a choice in how to view my affliction. I could continue to seek medical answers and seek for the relief of my symptoms or accept the diagnosis and embrace this new adversity as God’s unique and loving plan for my life.
Chronic pain is an “invisible illness” because most people never see the suffering and debilitating pain and fatigue that occurs. It is easy to become depressed and filled with anxiety. It can also be lonely. God brought others into my life that suffer chronic illnesses of various sorts. I have a new understanding and compassion for those suffering with pain who may wrongly believe they are alone and that no one will understand what they are living through day to day.
When my pain began years ago, I remember sirens went off in my head telling me that I must do whatever I can to get rid of it. I do not like pain. Our culture says to avoid pain at all costs. I began chasing for answers and pain relief. After a while, I could see God was telling me to slow down, spend more time in prayer, and start letting go of some things. I just could not keep up anymore. I began to realize that what lurked inside my heart and my thoughts began to reveal itself while I dealt with this chronic pain. My family knew that for sure. Anger, depression, and sadness all begin to eat away at me as I began to sense my loss of health, loss of things I wanted to do, and loss of the person who I thought I was.
As I studied God’s Word, I began to wonder what my heart was really saying about my pain. “I must have relief or else.” “I deserve to feel better.” “No one understands my pain.” “I can’t do what I want anymore.” Those are just some of the things God revealed to me that my heart was saying. I realized that I was slowly pushing God away and His purpose for me. I was filling in my desires and the things I wanted for myself.
I began to prayerfully examine my own heart in light of Scripture. Could I thank God even for this as I’m commanded to do? (1 Thess. 5:18). Do I desire relief from pain more than I desire to glorify God in my pain? Is my heart so fixed on “getting answers” that I leave no room to really worship God in my heart? Am I so consumed with my trial that I feel God has let me down? I had some repenting to do as God revealed my sin and how my perspective on life was sometimes filled with selfish wants and desires. My focus had become more on myself and how I was feeling than on God and all He’d done for me.
Believing God is good in the midst of chronic pain is not easy, but I know with God’s strength it can be done. I began to focus on God’s promises. I began to take every thought captive when my heart began to question the goodness of God. I knew and believed that God was in complete control of all my suffering, but I wasn’t acting like I knew. I began to change my perspective of God. I had to trust and believe that God was in control or else I would surely be crushed by the weight of my sorrow and pain. I knew and began to believe that God would allow as much pain as it took to accomplish the changes He wanted to see in me. I needed to believe that God was more interested in refining me in my heart through this suffering than He was about what I can do for Him through my life or any ministry.
How Pain Has Changed Me
Today I continue to entrust my health to God. I have some better days, but the pain is still there. Pain has changed me in a profound way. Where once I felt I had control, I now realize I don’t. I embrace that I am weak, helpless, and dependent on God. I do not dare lose sight of Him. Every step I take I am reminded of my need for Him.
Physically, I can do just what God calls me to do−serve my family and church to the ability God gives me. I have learned there is only one God of all comfort and He does not sleep or slumber. I cannot find true and lasting comfort in anyone but Him. Christ will not ask me to suffer anything He has not already suffered. I have entrusted my hurts to Jesus so that I can grow in love for Him and depend on Him during a time that I would never have chosen.
My pain is giving me a new compassion for those who endure any kind of suffering. There is no greater good than to be fashioned in the likeness of God. Therefore, I can be thankful for what God is doing in my life. I’ve come to a place where I truly believe God has brought this into my life for His glory and my good. It is purposeful and intentional. God makes no mistakes. God is in my pain.
If you are struggling in this area and maybe feeling very alone or if you need encouragement, I would love to talk with you. God has great promises for you!
Credits:
Hope When It Hurts by Kristen Wetherell and Sarah Walton
Fibromyalgia: God’s Grace for the Chronic Pain Sufferers by Robert Smith